Left My Heart

Title: Left My Heart
Length: III Parts
Pairing: Blaise/Draco
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst
Warnings: NC-17 for explicit sex and suicidal theme

Summary: It’s strange how some things happen without us ever knowing.








Prologue

I gasped when his tongue slipped inside mine. He was always fast with whatever he did and he didn’t wait for me to calm down. Grabbing my waist, he dragged me closer and yanked my pants down, all the while deeply thrusting his tongue down my throat. I moaned and bucked when his hand cupped my erection. He pushed two fingers inside without pause and scissored them. I cried out, breaking the kiss, unable to catch my breath as he inserted another long finger. He was so good. He always was. He knew all my sweet spots. With his thumb he rubbed my right nipple, the more sensitive of the two as he aligned his cock against my entrance. I spread my legs wider and watched him push his cock into me. We never used protection-I refused to. I didn’t want a piece of plastic to ruin my pleasure. I wanted all of him, no matter how much it would hurt later.

“AH! Th-there!” I cried when he hit my prostate. He hoisted me higher by my hips and I arched my back as he angled his thrusts to that spot. I quivered, trying to control my gasps but unable to contain the moans of pleasure. They echoed around the empty classroom, bouncing off the dungeon walls.

I clutched the edge of the desk as he fucked me harder and faster, the way he knew I liked. I squinted at him through my lashes, taking in his mask of concentration, all centered around pleasuring me-his lover, his life-long friend…

Reaching up with one hand, I caressed his cheek lightly, before dropping my arm, too weak to do anything more. He leaned closer so that his forehead touched mine, thrusting all the while. His hot, fast breath came in short gasps and I craned my neck to press my lips against his.

“Fuck! Draco!” he cried and I could feel him coming to his climax. I closed my eyes and the back of my head hit the desk hard as I came, crying out his name. I saw stars. White spots clouded my eyes and for long minutes, I simply lay splayed on the desk, panting hard.

I felt him pull out of me and a moment later, the stickiness vanished off my stomach and insides. I opened my eyes just as he hoisted my pants up from where they’d bunched around my ankles. Smiling, I pulled him closer by the shirtfront and we shared a deep kiss.

I was hot and sweaty, but he felt so enticing to the touch that I melted in his arms when he embraced me. His fingers trailed up and down my spine, and I closed my eyes, resting my head on his shoulder. His hand tangled through my blonde locks, raking through the strands that curled around my neck. I felt his lips against the side of my neck and then a soft, wet tongue as he licked the salty dew. I squirmed, feeling ticklish and opened my eyes, wanting to chastise him.

It was as I raised my head that I saw a shadow in the doorway. I squinted, but it was gone. Perhaps it was my imagination-the ancient castle cast many shadows during the night after all, but I thought I traced the hurried footfall of escaping steps.

Had someone seen us? But I didn’t have long to ponder, because Blaise captured me in another mind numbing kiss and all I could do was sigh.

In the Beginning

It’s strange how some things happen without us ever knowing. I don’t know when or even how I fell in love with him, but it happened and perhaps it was meant to happen all along even though Blaise and I were never meant for each other.

The Zabinis are close family friends. Our mothers attended Hogwarts together and, though Blaise hardly knew his father, my parents had known the brown-haired photographer years before his sudden death.

With his father’s death, Blaise’s mother drowned her sorrows in her career, becoming a top model in both the wizarding and, for a time, the muggle world. She traveled for months around the world, leaving her only son at our manor.

Mother at first treated him like a proper guest, but over time, she grew to love him as though he were her own. He spent so much time with us  that to me he took the place of the sibling I never had. We were inseparable. I remember we did everything together-even bathed and slept in the same bed. Our friendship was as close as it got, but years later, it slowly turned into something more.

I’ve always wondered who liked who first, but never had enough courage to question Blaise. He is touchy about emotional topics as much as me, although he has a way with them in bed.

I don’t think we ever confessed to each other because we simply knew. There was never a need to. When he leaned in to peck my lips under the roof that one rainy evening, my lips parted and welcomed him as though they’d been parched for his taste all those years. We’d only been thirteen, but he surprised me with his carnal knowledge.

Of course, our parents don’t know and I doubt they ever will. Like all purebloods, our life partner was decided even before we were born. Before coming to Hogwarts, I didn’t know who mine was till I met her and she introduced herself as my fiancé. Pansy Parkinson. She was as Slytherin as the girls come. Pretty? Yes. Smart? No. Rich? A given.

Father never compromised when it came to our family name. The Parkinsons are one of the richest and oldest families around, although their role during the Dark Age is minute. After the fall of the Dark Lord, however, they’ve started making their appearance in the business sectors of the wizarding world.

To say I’m relieved that Voldemort met his downfall is an understatement. It’s been a year, but the dreams still haunt me. I wake up almost every night drenched in sweat, screaming and writhing as though under the Cruciatus. Over and over I see the faces of all those whom I’d seen die, tortured, maimed right before my eyes. Snape. Dumbledore. Crabbe…And I see His eyes as he glares at me through those red pupils, breathing his venomous wrath into my very soul. He may be dead, but he lives on in my nightmares, never leaving me.

More than once I’ve woken trembling, unable to fall asleep. I’ve always been healthy and fit, though a little anemic, but the insomnia is starting to take a toll on my body. I’m constantly tired and sleep washes over me during odd intervals of the day.

Before coming to Hogwarts to finish my eighth year, which the new headmaster was kind enough to allow, Mother packed me a packet of herbs, saying they would help me sleep. I knew what they were even though she avoided telling me. I was no child and I refused to take the drugs, although I packed them to please her all the same. Blaise, who’d been appointed the task of making sure I took them, understood enough not to force me.

I didn’t want to go through my last year in a daze. The drugs wouldn’t cure the nightmares and I need to learn to live with them. They are a constant companion now after all.  Blaise tries though.

He stays up with me sometimes, holding me like a child and whispers words till I fall asleep somehow in his arms. He never complains, which used to surprise me to no end, but I think we’ve all changed since the war.

Blaise is more considerate. I think almost losing me in the war has made him more protective, which I don’t mind in the least. At least he doesn’t flirt with the girls as much as he used to. He still goes on dates, to keep up appearances.

So far, not a single soul besides us knows of our relationship. I don’t know what will happen if our parents find out, but society will never forgive us. Homosexuality amongst purebloods is the mark of treason and used to be punishable by death. How much the laws have changed since ancient times, I don’t know, but it’s certainly unheard of.

I can care less though. As long as I have Blaise, no law, no punishment will restrain me. I love him and I know he loves me. All my life he’s been beside me and now I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t need money nor fame nor immortality. I just want him and I’ll do anything to ensure that-anything.

A New Year

A month after the war, Blaise and I received twin letters from Hogwarts: an invitation to complete our education. Since the war’s end, I’d spent countless hours wondering what the future would hold for me. I had no need to work-the name Malfoy came with prestige and endless vaults of gold-but I had to do something.

My parents have already fixed the date for my marriage after my twentieth birthday, but I’m only nineteen. Protesting me will get me nowhere, but perhaps if I have something to occupy me, then I can live with Pansy without being overwhelmed.

The summer brought more daunting news than the invitation though. Blaise was engaged in Germany that month-two days after my birthday. I’ve only met his fiancé once and yes, she is gorgeous. Her bloodline is pure of course and she is royalty, the youngest princess in Germany’s declining line of royals.

How his mother managed to secure such a bride for him, I don’t know, but I suppose being a beautiful super model and a witch with a notable heritage would catch anyone’s eye. Besides, Blaise will live up to the royal name. In looks and money, he compliments the doll-like princess and I’m glad she is such a gentle creature who won’t press Blaise for anything he doesn’t want to give openly.

Of course it saddens me greatly. My lover will soon belong to another. I saw the ring on his finger when he returned and though he wanted to keep it off, I didn’t let him. As long as he remains by my side, it’s a small sacrifice. We didn’t get to spend much time together however.

He had to leave for Paris and meet his mother and Father had other plans for me. Now with the burden of the war gone, Father made it his priority to educate me in the management of our estates and other duties. Every evening was spent meeting various purebloods who had dealings with our family and the constant traveling, walking, apparating tired me to no end.

I was almost glad that I fell ill two weeks before leaving for Hogwarts. It was during that time that I finally had time to think things over. The fever granted me some restless respite and though I had to stay in bed even after it abated, I felt rested enough to think without the drug-induced haze.

I don’t want to marry. Not now and not ever. If I can’t be with Blaise, I don’t want a relationship at all. I don’t care about sex because I love Blaise for much more than just his body. He is sweet to me-he understands me, and he knows me. There is no one else whom I share my haunting dreams with. Mother doesn’t know about my depression. Father doesn’t know how little I care about honoring tradition. I am not who everyone thinks I am. All my life I’ve lead a lie and the only person who’s ever seen me without a mask is Blaise.

He knows how vulnerable I am. He knows how I tried to kill myself during my seventh year under the pressure of the ridiculous task. If he hadn’t caught me drinking the poison and carried me to Severus right away, I doubt anyone could have saved me. For three days after I lay in a coma. I had been that close to death.

I feel foolish thinking about it now, but that time it had seemed like a good option. My world was crumbling before my eyes and I was losing myself. If Blaise hadn’t been there for me, I think I would have gone crazy and done something equally stupid that would have cost me not only my life, but that of my parents.

I didn’t have such a drastic reason anymore, but I felt empty still. I was going to lose Blaise and then I would be alone. How does one go about living without a purpose? I didn’t know, but I’d promised Blaise I would never take the easy way out again and I never go back on my word, especially if it’s to someone whom I care deeply about. I know how hard it is to gain someone’s trust once you’ve lost it, and I’m not about to hurt Blaise if I can help it. After all that I’ve put him through, I can’t bear to punish him anymore.

Simply lying on the bed for seven days, I decided to create my own purpose. I’ve never traveled the world, although I’ve vacationed in some countries. I’d like to see it before I die-I’d like to meet new people. People who don’t know me and who’ll treat me unlike a Malfoy. I suppose I want to get away. My parents will grant me this brief respite. They’re not cruel. They’ll give me my freedom for a year more before tying me to someone I don’t love for the rest of my life. I can only hope that the rest of my life will be short. I can’t ask for anything less without Blaise.